Heads of State to Lecture Congress

Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech before Congress started me thinking. He wanted to tell them how we should negotiate (or not) with Iran. Wow! What a great idea! The United States is so insular in its understanding of world problems, not to mention how to handle our own.
So, when I’m elected to the Senate, I propose that we get advice from a different world leader every month. Here is a list to start off with:
1. Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico, Juan Orlando Hernandez of Honduras and Otto Fernando Pérez Molina of Guatemala could start things off as a group, telling us what’s wrong with our immigration policies and how we can fix them.
2. King Salmon of Saudi Arabia will speak on police reform. This will mean that all female members of Congress either wear a burka or, better, stay home that day. He will explain how soft we are on crime. Larceny drops to nothing when thieves have their hands chopped off. Stoning adulterers creates an incentive to stable family life. And flogging rape victims will teach women not to go anywhere on their own. If women can’t be found, they can’t be raped, except of course, by relatives. Oh, I know his name sounds like a fish, but Salmon is a version of Solomon.
3. For those who aren’t stirred by Saudi justice, François Hollande can come next and explain that having affairs while in office is fine, just arrive for the assignation on a Harley, not the back of a motor scooter. Our representatives will take notes and may even forgive him for being a socialist.
4. As the next election draws near, Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria will be in great demand for his technique of manufacturing a crisis so that voting needs to be postponed until his popularity numbers are up. For that he could be named an honorary citizen.
5. Angela Merkel would speak on economics, pointing out where the government can save money. She’ll also comment on the importance of having an unlisted phone number.
6. Vladimir Putin concludes the first year of lectures. (I know this is only six but you must remember how rarely Congress meets) It may be hard to get him to keep his shirt on but it will be worth it to learn the purity of his intentions. He only wants to rebuild the Russian/Soviet Empire to protect all Russian speakers from persecution and contamination from homosexuals.

I think that this list would be a good beginning. Once this gets going, heads of state from all over the world will be lining up to have the chance to tell American law makers what they’re doing wrong. And, I, as your senator at large, will be there to listen and act upon their sage advice.



Worse than the Food

This is a recent story from a friend whose mother is in a place in upstate NY. I suspect that there is another side to the story but too much of it sounds familiar. I was in the hospital longer than I needed to be because Medicare wouldn’t cover rehab unless I’d been hospitalized for three days.


“Re. her rehab it’s been a catastrophe: 1. the hospital tossed her out after 5 days (after major cancer and removal of leg from the hip down), because insurance didn’t want to cough up more. 2. she ends up in rehab well before she should have been beginning exercise… but because of Medicare strictures, they began forcing her to exercise, and sit on chairs, even with giant metal staples stuck in her which were pushed about. I had to get one of the surgeons to call the facility and ask them to stop but because of Medicare they had to “prove” she was “rehabbing”…. 3. we got her to the nursing home and I was excited because their website advertises a “therapy pool” and I felt that water therapy was probably the only way my mother could keep up her strength, and they agreed but, once we signed on, we were told she could not use the pool… because they had “no way” to get her into the water, insisting that wheelchair bound people needed special cranes to get her in. So she doesn’t have any options other than drugging herself up and waiting to vegetate.”


It’s not just Medicare that’s the problem, I feel, but that too many of these places are for profit and cut as many corners as possible. How can there be a pool at a nursing home without a crane? Our YMCA has two.  Isn’t it odd that both nursing homes and prisons are now run to make money?  Is there a connection?


When I’m elected, I will fight for fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grain bread and sugar-free desserts. And an ombudsman assigned to every patient.


And, of course, soup spoons!